I never miss young love. I was a mess in my early relationships. I expected way too much from them. I actually thought the burning fire of a new romance could stay the same and last forever.
Experts say the “honeymoon period” of new love lasts somewhere between 6 months and one year. Let’s remember that. Let’s start celebrating the beauty of mature love, even though we rarely see movies or read books about it.
People joke about “adulting” a lot these days. I think we seriously need to start doing it in our relationships!
When I see tabloid headlines about young celebrities publicly professing their undying love and then suffering ugly breakups, I don’t judge them, I feel for them. I’m grateful that I was never famous… and that I didn’t have Facebook and Instagram as forever reminders of my immaturity.
In the mindset coaching realm of my work, I often coach clients who are unhappy in their relationships. Some of the most important shifts occur when people realize that they are fully in control of their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. It’s so easy to believe the story that everything in life would be better if we just had the perfect partner or if our current partner would change. But that story is never true. First we need to do the deep work to let go of our limited thinking and set up our own lives the way we want them to be. Then we can see with clearer eyes whether or not our relationship is working for us or if we’re really ready for a mature new relationship. (I’m compelled to note that, of course, this does not apply in the case of any kind of abuse.)
Neal and I have been married for 26 years. Believe me, there have been some crazy ups and downs. But we’re still going strong. Stronger than ever, actually. With so much less drama than we used to have.
What makes our relationship work so well now? Here’s one part of it…
We follow John Gray’s advice that we should be able to fill our own tank to 90% and then a love relationship can add that extra 10%, the icing on the cake of life.
I have so much fulfillment in my life through my business, my kids, my parents and other family members, my friends, my colleagues, my volunteer work and activism, my fitness and wellness activities, the reading, courses, and certification programs I’m always doing, and more. And if that sounds like a lot, I can’t even believe all that Neal does! I could give so many, but for just a few examples, he is the founder and owner of a successful, growing business with about 20 employees, volunteers on a search and rescue team on an almost daily basis, and is gearing up to become the president of his chapter of The Entrepreneurs’ Organization this year! Yeah, I’m pretty proud of him!
Because Neal and I are both involved in so many personal and professional development pursuits, our limited time together is precious to us. We share our highs and lows and provide love and support for each other, but for the most part, we don’t expect the other person to make us happy or make us feel better if we’re struggling. We understand that’s an inside job. But it took a long time for us to get there, and many hard-won lessons, trust me!
Please don’t misunderstand the 90/10 rule by thinking it means that we should only spend 10% of our time with our partners. You can and should spend as much time as you like together! The question is whether or not you show up for most of that time feeling whole and good about yourself and your life as an individual. Part of immature love is expecting a partner to fill a void that isn’t possible for another person to fill. Mature, lasting romantic love requires self-love and self-esteem.
If you want to learn more about this topic, please join me for a free Zoom online workshop, Love and Adulting, Saturday, February 22, from 10:00-11:00 am!
Please RSVP by email at bridget@sampsoncoachingandconsulting.com. Then all you have to do is go to this Zoom link: https://zoom.us/j/586643507 the day of the workshop. If you don’t have Zoom, you can download it for free here.
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