Coach Yourself to Success

Did you know that no one, except you, can make you feel anything? Crazy, right?

Did you know that your own thoughts are what cause your feelings, not what other people do or don’t do? What?!

And guess what else? By uncovering and intentionally changing your thoughts, you can completely change the results you’re getting in your life!

For me, the most transformative part of becoming a Certified Life and Weight Coach with The Life Coach School has been learning and using The Self Coaching Model.

I’ve used it myself to make dramatic changes – weight loss, improved health, increased income, closer relationships, dealing with negative emotion and stress much better, and more.

But using it with my coaching clients is the most exciting. Helping people set and reach goals they never dreamed they could accomplish is incredibly rewarding.

Our brilliant Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo, Founder of The Life Coach School, created The Self Coaching Model after years of extensive study of psychology and self-help.

Brooke readily admits that the concepts in her Model are not original. They’re based on the work of countless revered teachers – Byron Katie, Steven Pressfield, Eckhart Tolle, Dan Sullivan, Marianne Williamson, Pema Chodron, Abraham, Geneen Roth, Joe Dispenza, and many more. The Model has even been found to be consistent with the core principles of Stoic Philosophy.

Brooke found a way to put all the concepts she learned into a handy model with just 5 words. It’s so easy to use to gain new insights. And it can lead to profound shifts, especially when used with a skilled coach.

The Model shows us how Circumstances trigger our Thoughts, our Thoughts cause our Feelings, our Feelings lead to our Actions, and our Actions produce our Results.

Because this is true, it means that we can’t blame our results on other people or circumstances. It also means we can’t give anyone else credit for our results. We have the power to create the Results we experience in our lives.

CTFAR: These are the elements of a problem. Start by filling out any line of The Model you can, then work to fill in the rest. Here’s CTFAR defined:

1. Circumstance: A fact that’s outside of your control (i.e., others’ behavior, weather, the past)
2. Thought: A sentence in your mind (we always get to choose our thoughts)
3. Feeling: An emotion in your body that results from the thought (excited, sad, angry, joyful)
4. Action: A behavior, reaction or inaction that’s related to the feeling (i.e., sad → overeat)
5. Result: The effect of our action, it proves the thought (i.e., sad → overeat → overweight)

Keys to using The Model:

1. First, you have to see that your thought is not a fact. It’s an interpretation you’re choosing to make about a circumstance. For example… Joe exists. Midge thinks Joe is a jerk. Andy thinks Joe is lovely. Is Joe a jerk or lovely? Neither is a fact, they’re just thoughts about Joe that Midge and Andy choose to think.
2. You have to take responsibility for the interpretation you’re choosing and realize that you’re choosing it from among many possibilities. I could spend all day thinking, “I hate my job.” or I could think, “I’m making the best of my job and am excited about looking for a new one.” The circumstance is the same.
3. This one is SO hard… you have to take full responsibility for the fact that your thoughts are causing your feelings. Your feelings are not created by what anyone else does or says or any outside circumstance. This has to be true because two people can have very different thoughts and as a result, different feelings, about the same circumstance. If I’m choosing to think about how much I hate my job all day, I’ll likely feel sad. If I choose to think about how I’m making the best of it while looking for another job, I’ll be more prone to feel motivated to take action toward positive change.
4. The way we’re feeling drives our action. For me, feeling sad often leads to inaction and dwelling on negative things. Feeling motivated causes me to take steps toward what I want to make happen. If I think about how much I love the feeling of being done with a hard workout, I feel determined to get to the gym, then I go to the gym and work out hard. If my thoughts are about how exhausting the workout will be and how I don’t really feel like doing it, I will feel lethargic and my action will probably be to stay home and veg on the couch.
5. Finally, our actions lead to our results. Not going to the gym will lead to the result of being out of shape. Not looking for a new job will lead to the result of remaining unhappy in the job I’m thinking about how much I hate all day long. If my thought is what a jerk someone is, I’ll likely feel annoyed by them, act passive aggressive with them, then they snap back, and the result is that I feel even more strongly that they are a jerk.
6. You can start with any line in The Model and work to complete the other lines. If you are clear on a goal, we recommend working The Model backwards, starting with the R line. For example, The R line might be an income goal such as, “I want to make 100,000 next year.” Then you move up to the A line to write what actions you’d need to take to make that income. There would likely be many actions you would need to take. Then you go to the F line to determine how you would need to feel – energized? confident? determined? [Side note… for big change, discomfort is also usually a feeling we need to be willing to feel! Then we build Models with thoughts about how we can still do what we need to do anyway, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.] Finally, you go up to the thought line and work to word thoughts that you can believe and that will propel you to feel the feelings you need to feel to take the actions you know you need to take to get the result you want. In this example, a thought to work toward believing might be, “I’m just as smart and capable of earning 100,000 as anyone else out there.” If you don’t get the Result you wanted, go back to the drawing board and see which part of The Model needs to be tweaked. Success on the R line often means try, try, try and try again until you get there.

A few more of my thoughts on thoughts…

1. We don’t always have to choose positive thoughts.
2. The idea is to choose thoughts we want to have, intentionally and mindfully.
3. The idea is also to choose thoughts that serve us in a healthy way.
4. If someone I love dies, I will think about how much I love and miss them and feel sad. I may cry or lay low for a few days. I am grieving. This is healthy.
5. In contrast, if I lose my home and all my possessions in an earthquake, I can choose to think thoughts of how lucky I am to be alive and feel gratitude which moves me to the actions I need to take to start a new life, which results in a fulfilling and rewarding future. This actually happened to me in 1994. And it was what I chose to think at the time. Why dwell in the negative muck of a circumstance we have no control over?
6. It’s not all about the thoughts, but that is where it starts. Every line of the model is super important to be intentional about. For example, a lot of coaching focuses mostly on the A, or Action line. It’s true that we must plan our actions with great care. However, if our unconscious thoughts are self-defeating, and we never bring them to the surface and work to change them, the best planning on actions is not likely to be effective. For example, think about what might happen if I plan an eating protocol that will keep me at my desired weight (action line) yet my underlying, unconscious thought is… “It’ll never work for the long term, I’ll just lose weight, revert to my old patterns, and gain it back, like I always do.” This can be the reason many people lose and gain the same weight – their underlying thinking and beliefs are that they will always be overweight and their actions ultimately support those thoughts and the result is being overweight. (If you want to lose weight – there’s a lot more to my weight loss coaching, trust me! But this is where we begin… we must work to build your confident thoughts around your ability to live in a healthy body that serves you in living the life you want to live.)

The Model is so much more complex than this brief introduction. I highly recommend that you listen to Brooke Castillo’s podcast – https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcasts/ – to learn about it in much more depth. The link to the first episode is below. It’s Brooke’s introduction to The Model! I’ve listened to all 275 of Brooke’s episodes and still learn a ton from each one.

I also recommend that you consider joining Brooke’s Self Coaching Scholars program (link below) to learn all her other incredible tools, receive and view live coaching with her, and get access to all her life-changing video programs and assets. I got a 20 minute one-on-one coaching session with her that rocked my world! Check out the link below to see if it’s for you. (I get no benefit if you sign up, I really just want you to get support for living the life you desire!)

That’s my basic intro to the concept that literally changed everything for me and compelled me to become a Certified Life and Weight Coach with Brooke and The Life Coach School – The Model.

If you love it and want more and want to apply it in your own life to make the changes you’ve been wanting to make, let’s talk! Email me at: bridget@sampsoncoachingandconsulting.com.

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OPTIONAL ADDITIONAL READING BELOW… I KNOW THIS IS LONG!
I’M JUST SO PASSIONATE ABOUT IT!

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Two of many FAQs… let me know what yours are! I’d love to answer them!

1. Does this mean we have to put up with things we don’t like? We should just change our own thoughts when people treat us terribly? NO! The Life Coach School taught us amazing tools for making clear requests and setting and reinforcing healthy boundaries in relationships! I can’t cover it all here, but check it out on the podcast! You can also always choose to end a relationship, if your thoughts, feelings, and actions with regard to that relationship are intentional and you like your reasons.
2. Aren’t there some things in life that happen that are just awful and that we can blame our feelings on? Yes and no. There are injustices, there is violence, there are absolutely atrocities. We can choose to feel negative thoughts about them. Yes. And we can also choose to think positive thoughts that make us feel driven to facilitate change and progress. What really serves us and humanity? Does it serve us to spend all our time blaming others or to think at least some thoughts that lead us to take action in support of a more positive path? Yes, I am angered by injustice. So I choose to think thoughts that empower me to make a difference, such as taking the action of creating impactful programs as a consultant for the Educational Opportunity Program at CSUN, which serves low-income first generation college students, which I’ve done for 21 years. There is terrible injustice in the world. If I sit and dwell in the negativity of it and feel defeated, how will I be serving anyone?

More optional additional reading… Model Examples

Below I’ll show you a few before and after models to demonstrate the final step, which is trying to replace the mental models that are not serving us with ones that will serve us better.

*But remember, the more you’ve held onto a thought, the more it has become a belief, the harder and longer it may take to change it. It can’t always be rushed. Take your time. Have self-compassion and grace and a belief that you can change your thoughts and eventually change your life. Having a Coach to work with you on it helps a lot too.

SAMPLE MODEL 1: BEFORE AND AFTER

Before:

Circumstance: My boss gave me a new project when I already have five projects
Thought: I’m so overwhelmed, I’ll never get it all done
Feeling: Stressed, tired, defeated
Action: Take no action on any of the projects that day, get caught up in distractions
Result: No progress on projects

After:

Circumstance: My boss gave me a new project when I already have five projects
Thought: I can do this, I’ll make an action-item list, delegate, and stay focused
Feeling: Energized, confident, capable
Action: Making an organized list, update team members, tackle 3 list items that day
Result: Making progress on projects

SAMPLE MODEL 2: BEFORE AND AFTER

Before:

Circumstance: A friend showed up for lunch 15 minutes late
Thought: She doesn’t respect me
Feeling: Angry, sad, rejected
Action: Act passive aggressive, make snide comments
Result: Less respect from her

After:

Circumstance: A friend showed up for lunch 15 minutes late
Thought: She must be very busy
Feeling: Appreciative that she made it
Action: Act kind and understanding
Result: A nice lunch, no negative results from thoughts

SAMPLE MODEL 3: BEFORE AND AFTER

Before:

Circumstance: I am 30 pounds more than the weight I’d like to be
Thought: I’d have to deprive myself to lose weight
Feeling: Defeated, anxious, resistant
Action: Overeating to soothe negative feelings
Result: Remaining the same weight or gaining weight

After:

Circumstance: I am 30 pounds more than the weight I’d like to be
Thought: I’ll create an eating protocol (not a diet!) for life that’s healthy and enjoyable
Feeling: Capable, enthusiastic
Action: Eat healthy foods on the protocol and enjoy them, don’t overeat
Result: Lose the 30 pounds and stay at that weight permanently

SAMPLE MODEL 4: BEFORE AND AFTER

Before:

Circumstance: My spouse doesn’t ask how I am after work
Thought: He doesn’t care about me
Feeling: Angry, resentful
Action: Give him the silent treatment
Result: He leaves me alone

After:

Circumstance: My spouse doesn’t ask how I am after work
Thought: He must have a lot on his mind, I’ll ask how he’s doing
Feeling: Loving, supportive
Action: I listen and provide empathy
Result: I support my husband and he supports me

SAMPLE MODEL 5: BEFORE AND AFTER

Before:

Circumstance: My coworker corrects me in a meeting
Thought: How rude, she wants to make me look bad in front of everyone
Feeling: Furious, revengeful
Action: I gossip about her, saying unkind things to various people at work
Result: I make myself look bad for gossiping

After:

Circumstance: My coworker corrects me in a meeting
Thought: I’d prefer it if she did that in private
Feeling: Assertive
Action: I meet with her and ask her to correct me in private in the future
Result: She agrees, apologizes, and only corrects me in private in the future

SAMPLE MODEL 6: BEFORE AND AFTER
**This one is advanced and includes a “ladder” thought in between, because when we use the model to change long-standing habits, we need to rewire the brain over time. Understanding neuroplasticity helps here. This example also hints at the concept of “urges,” which is another very important tool in coaching. We can allow urges instead of resisting them or indulging them. When we start to allow them, they will subside over time. The goal is to allow the urges and feel all the feelings we’re usually using some substance to buffer them with (numb), instead of resisting them (white knuckling and not allowing yourself to feel how badly you want the substance or to feel the real feelings you’re avoiding underneath it all), and also instead of indulging the urge by giving in to it and using the substance/activity. So, below are the 3 choices for responding to our urges (for unhealthy foods, too much alcohol, shopping, excessive social media use, etc.):

1. Indulge it (give in – eat the donut, drink the beer, buy the thing you can’t afford, spend hours on Facebook, etc.)
2. Resist it (fight it, white knuckle, deny and suppress the strong urge, deny and suppress the real feelings underneath it all that you’ve been using the substance to avoid – this resistance causes even more pain and is not usually sustainable or healthy – it’s usually in the form of a strict diet or abstaining from something temporarily that we then return to with a vengeance.)
3. Allow it (This is the goal.): feel the urge, let it go through you and pass, it’s painful and strong, yes, but you can survive it. Feel the feelings you have been avoiding. Just feel them. Feelings won’t kill you. Suppressing them and not allowing them to be felt is more painful in the long run. It can fuel addictions. So, do not use the substance you’ve been using to numb all those feelings. Allow the powerful waves of urges without indulging or resisting them. When people realize this is possible, it is the most empowering, amazing experience. Doing it over and over for a long period is what rewires the brain to not even want the substance anymore. The urges subside over time and the addiction is broken. The neural pathway is redirected. It’s the best feeling, trust me, to actually not want what your brain was making you believe you couldn’t live without.

This is such an important concept! There is so much more on this at The Life Coach School and in our coaching programs! Please listen to Brooke’s podcast (#197 – link below) on urges for more detail!

Before:

Circumstance: Wine is in the house
Thought: I had a hard day and I need to drink wine at night to relax
Feeling: Strong desire
Action: Drink 3 glasses of wine
Result: Feel fuzzy in the morning, more tired and night and continue to think thoughts and feel feelings about needing wine to relax every night

Ladder:

Circumstance: Wine in the house
Thought: I have an urge for wine because I trained my brain to think I need it to relax
Feeling: Uncomfortable
Action: Allow the discomfort, feel it, feel all the feelings I was trying to numb with wine
Result: Alert and focused in the morning, ready to allow the urge again as many nights as needed to break the habit

After: (might be many months or years later, and coaching is likely needed)

Circumstance: Wine in the house
Thought: No thoughts about having wine at home
Feeling: Neutral
Action: No drinking of wine at night at home
Result: Alert, focused mornings, relaxed nights, good sleep, good energy, good health